Write it Down
I am a writer. It’s quite an obvious statement, especially if you are reading this. I have had a blog in some form for the last decade or more, where I share personal stories on a regular basis.
Two months prior to March 2020, I had just returned from a trip of a lifetime to the Holy Land. I had so much to share, and planned to spend the year telling the stories through my blog.
And then the world shut down. Many of us pivoted into maintenance and survival mode to get through the hurdles we faced each day in our homes, work and familial relationships, and that was on top of avoiding actually testing positive for Covid-19.
Because of how intensely the professional trauma aligned with the anxiety of the shared experience, writing stopped for me in all forms. My ability to write in a public blog or even a private journal to process my thoughts became impossible.
The passing of time is both fleeting and strange with how it impacts our memory. Trauma can also cause us to forget or misremember some of the most significant events in our lives.
I was just listening to a podcast where the host talked about a traumatic day in her life and can’t figure out why no one in her family can remember the details. She then talks to an expert on the subject who describes what happens to our memory when trauma occurs. (Click on the link and listen for about 3 minutes.)
Wilderness moment: Because professional/relational trauma consumed me from the very beginning, my mind shut down when it came to activities I enjoyed including: exercise and writing, among other things.
I had plenty of convos within my circle and even with acquaintances to help me process, but it sat in my mind for months and even years after the actual events took place.
While the trauma I experienced did not match the events referenced in this podcast episode clip, I still experienced physical distress in my body and a mental block that stole my energy and enjoyment for basic self care and activities outside of work.
Last year, after a convo with my therapist, I wrote down all the events connected to my trauma from March - June 2020 and a few additional significant events that happened after that. Instead of a public blog post or private journal entry, I used a tool I had learned about 10 years ago, through a learning community that I will forever be grateful for.
Manna in the Desert: This “post-it note timeline” also helped me reflect on what actually happened and how God was present through it all. I was able to lay it out and unburden my mind.
The first time I used this tool, it was a timeline of my life up until 2014. This time, I used the same concept, but shortened the timeline down to months. And I just started writing bits and pieces of my experience and this is how it turned out:
As explained in the podcast clip, I had my own mosaic experience. All the pieces were different: some jagged representing the gaslighting attempts to poke holes in my narrative. Others were small like little red flags that I waved off early on, only to see more and more pop up throughout the months. Each of these broken pieces had scattered to all corners of my brain for a few years, and finally they were all in one place.
Some of my most immediate family didn’t receive the play by play of every intense conversation or stressful moment along the way. So when it was “over,” there was the desire for many to hear the whole story. I told bits and pieces to different people, but I couldn’t tell the whole story to every individual, it took too much emotional energy that I didn’t have for several months after that.
But now I have this tool, both for me personally reflect and to better tell my story to those who care and ask to hear it. In the coming weeks and months, this tool will be how I share in this space the most painful moments, the ways I have grown and the people who showed up for me in a difficult season.
If you have gone through any challenging or traumatic season, I pray that you have the opportunity to write it down. It’s your story for you to keep private, share with family, or figure out how you can help others by telling it.
