Fear

Elijah is such a good example of how God sees us in our emotions, acknowledges them and pulls us out of a slump.

This is part of a series, sharing the self-authored book, “The Hard Way: Honest Conversations about mental health in our homes, churches and communities,” which is introduced in this free post as well as this one. The funds given by paid subscribers for this post will be donated to the Open Path Collective.

The story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 is one of my favorites. To be completely honest, I think it’s because of a Psalty the Singing Songbook cassette tape I heard as a child about the still, small voice.

I was a shy child. Quiet was my favorite state and home was the best place to experience it. The idea that God could speak to me in a quiet way was more appealing than other encounters like a burning bush, a voice on the road to Damascus and the sea split in two.

The more I’ve read this story, the more I relate to Elijah and the complete and utter exhaustion he experienced. He is so fearful that he is ready to be done with his earthly life.

“…While he himself went a day’s journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. ‘I have had enough, Lord,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’ Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep.” - 1 Kings 19:4-5 (NIV)

In the midst of our journey through a mental health crisis, the congregation I served had no idea of my circumstance. Similar to Elijah, I had to be put together as a leader. I could only break down in isolation from the community I so badly needed to help me through the struggles. Though the church was a place for the broken to come—that didn’t include me—someone whose job was to minister to those in need. The fear I had was greater than my willingness to be vulnerable to a group of people I wanted to trust, but wasn’t sure I could.

As the story of Elijah continues, it’s clear that God is present in the midst of his fear and exhaustion:

“All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.” - 1 Kings 19:5b - 9 (NIV)

God was present in my exhaustion, even if I didn’t have the energy or strength to do much more than cry out for help. I still have no idea how I managed to go to work everyday. I just kept moving, with the endurance God gave me.