Speaking Up

What does "speaking up" look like so others know they are not alone.

This is part of a series, sharing the self-authored book, “The Hard Way: Honest Conversations about mental health in our homes, churches and communities,” which is introduced in this free post as well as this one. The funds given by paid subscribers for this post will be donated to the Open Path Collective.

How does all of this translate into everyday conversations? How do we go about talking about something so intimate and isolating? What does the Hard Way look like in our lives?

We’ve got to start somewhere. Below is a real conversation I had with a friend while writing this book several years ago. I was given permission to share this conversation in this space and removed the names. I felt the need to share because of what I had learned from my experience, with the added value of helping others.

C: “Hi Emily. I know it’s been a hundred years since we’ve been in touch, but I need your advice. My boyfriend is having a very difficult time on Earth lately and I’m really struggling to care for him. I just don’t know what to do or how to help him, or even where to go for resources. I feel really alone, but I think you may have some firsthand experience with what I’m going through. Do you have any advice for days that he can’t get out of bed, or know any helpful resources for family members of people with mental illness?

When someone reaches out to you it’s a courageous act. Listen and answer honestly.

E: “Hi friend. Thanks for being in touch. I do have first hand experience and I am so glad you reached out. It is so hard to do and I can remember where you are at like it was yesterday. I didn’t reach out much during that dark time. I went to work and hated being away from home but it was also a reprieve and release from the darkness Jack was going through. I always asked him how his day was when I got home. Getting out of bed was a victory. Taking a shower was a victory. Going outside was a victory.”

Just a simple question and I could not stop sharing. This friend had opened up to me and I felt compelled to share and ask questions based on my own experience.

E: “I definitely recommend you finding a therapist for yourself. Self care is so important What is your boyfriend’s name? I want to add him to my prayers. Is he on medication? Does he go to a counselor? These are basic first steps if not. How long has he been like this? Sorry to overwhelm you. Although I know for me I loved when people talked to me and I didn’t have to say too much.”

Remind yourself that it isn’t about you, and keep listening.

C: “Thank you, Emily. I appreciate your quick response. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. He is on medication, which I believe is part of the reason we’re here in the first place. His psychiatrists have been changing his meds so much, and so rapidly over the past few months that his anxiety and panic have been overwhelming. He can’t work, he’s lost like 15 pounds this month and he just always wants to be in bed.

I didn’t see it coming on, because I have so little knowledge of bipolar, but in retrospect, his condition started to deteriorate in the fall. He’s doing a partial hospitalization program which he started today, after being discharged from inpatient.

We see a counselor together, but it’s like... There aren’t enough mental health professionals on Earth for the help we need right now. We just can’t get in to see anyone often enough.”

How should we respond to frustrations? Validate a person’s feelings and search for answers together.

E: “Yea. I’m sorry you are going through this. But I am glad there is help. How are you? Do you have friends/family support nearby?”

Keep listening.

C: “I’m having a VERY difficult time. I cycle between sadness, frustration, and compassion. His mom is coming out on Wednesday. I don’t have a counselor, but have been making some calls, and trying to find support groups.”

It’s important to empathize if we have had a similar experience. And if you cannot relate, you can still sympathize.

E: “Yea, that’s what we do, take care of them and not necessarily ourselves, But it might be an easier way for you to get access without leaving him unnecessarily.

Are you on medication? The reason I ask is because I had to start a low dosage myself, not just because of what we went through, there was other stuff, but it has helped.”

Asking questions keeps the focus on the person who is seeking your help. In a way you are serving as a coach, walking them through the concern and helping them explore their options, rather than giving them an answer or fixing the problem for them.

C:“I’m not. I’ve been medicated for depression in the past, but haven’t been on anything for several years. I’ve been feeling like it’s time.”

There is great power in sharing your own experience. Stories create opportunities for people to relate and find confidence to make decisions that are best for themselves.

Keep asking questions to get a larger picture of all factors involved.

E: “So his family understands what’s going on and is supportive?”

C: “Yes, definitely. His mother is a social worker by trade.”

If the conversation is happening with a family member or friend, it’s important that your feelings are also validated. A trusting relationship will allow you to open up and share more, in the same way that the other person has trusted and shared with you.

E: “I have told very few people what Jack and I went through and then a friend and fellow church worker died by suicide this past summer and it rocked me. And I’m happy to be a listening ear whenever you need it. Or you need me to talk your ear off, I can probably do that too.”

C: “Oh, Emily. What a painful thing to go through.”

E: “I am learning a lot about the ministry of presence in many facets of my life. So continue to be present with your partner. And even though we cant always help each other because we are going through different things, just the act of reaching out and talking can be helpful.”

C: “I love talking! I have endless energy to talk about my partner, less to talk about how I’m handling it.”

E: “I just know texting with people was so helpful for me. Even though it was just a few people because some people I couldn’t tell because I knew it would exhaust me even more.”

C: “Yes, I can relate to that. My sister has been a great help, even from out of state. “

Be open to sharing more of your story as the conversation continues. It takes time to go deeper and really share the hard stuff.

C: “I haven’t really gotten many details about what you and Jack went through, only that it was a very difficult time, and it felt like it would never end. How long was he in that state?”

E: “It was three months, but he spiraled down for several months before that and then we hit rock bottom about a year and a half ago.”

C: “I keep thinking that we’ve hit rock bottom, and then it gets worse.”