Speaking Up-Part II
These real life conversations aren't stories to be tied nicely with a bow. They keep going, just like we do.
This is part of a series, sharing the self-authored book, “The Hard Way: Honest Conversations about mental health in our homes, churches and communities,” which is introduced in this free post as well as this one. The funds given by paid subscribers for this post will be donated to the Open Path Collective
The conversation continued a few days later…
C: “Emily, did you ever find yourself withdrawing? Or avoiding talking about yourself with anyone? I don’t even know how to talk to my boyfriend lately, and anything that I want to discuss feels unimportant in the face of his depression and anxiety.”
E: “Oh yea. That’s why having a counselor was so important. She was the only one I felt comfortable enough to share with.”
C: “I feel so terrible because I just like... don’t have any energy to talk to him. He has almost no idea what happens in my life outside of our apartment right now. I have an appointment scheduled for next Thursday, but it just doesn’t feel soon enough.”
E: “Make a point to get out of the house, whether by yourself or with a friend.”
C: “I don’t have any plans. His mom came to town last night, I think to give me some time for myself.”
E: “Thats good. I like doing things by myself, and it gives you time to just be without having to talk to anyone else.”
C: “And I hate it, but I’m really mad at him.”
When an unexpected comment is made, such as this one, don’t shy away from it. Sometimes these statements out of the blue are cries for help. Validate all feelings, whether you agree with them or not. They are not your feelings. Your purpose is not to judge. Be the friend that this person knows you are. Brainstorm opportunities to explore the emotions.
E: “I totally get it. It’s OK to feel that way. Lots of irrational feelings come with all of this. But it’s also understandable to me, at least from a fellow caregiver’s perspective. When communication isn’t being reciprocated or is all about him, it’s very difficult.
Are you into journaling? Maybe write down all the things you wish you could talk to him about, just to get it out and for future use.”
C: “That’s a good idea. I’m often very critical of my writing when I’m journaling but it definitely helps to get the thoughts out nonetheless.”
E: “Yea. just write it and close it. Don’t review it.”
C: “That’s a really great idea. Thank you.”
Don’t forget to follow up. Mark it on your calendar if necessary. We easily get caught up with our daily lives and there are so many distractions that can keep us from what matters most: relationships.
A week later…
E: “How are you?”
C: “Hey thanks so much for reaching out. I’m doing ok. Having a lot of ups and downs and still not prioritizing getting my own mental health under control. My boyfriend is doing leaps and bounds better, though still having a tough time. I’m less scared to leave him alone at home though, which is a huge relief.”
E: “So glad to hear of his progress. Still praying for you...keep working towards caring for yourself. It actually may get worse for you the better he gets if you don’t address it.”
C: “It’s like you’re in my head. I had a complete breakdown on Tuesday night. I really appreciate you reaching out and gently reminding me to take care of myself.”
While it’s tempting for us to treat this dialogue as a story that we want to know the ending to, it’s real life and the story isn’t over. This is a real friend of mine that I continue to talk to and check in on. She does the same for me, and I am grateful for the encouragement we can give to one another. We will forever be linked by this common bond and that strengthens our resolve to help others.
